The Desire of my Heart

We are so close to being licenced to foster/adopt and it seems a little surreal. We all have this sort of expectant feeling about us, kinda like when someone is pregnant but different too. Tonight I read Ezra a story called Granny Han's Breakfast, about a missionary who prays to have some tremendous needs met after someone robs her of her entire budget for four months. The story is true, based on the experiences of a missionary in Taiwan several years ago. God provides not only her needs but extras like coffee and chocolate! After reading the story I felt so convicted because every time Ezra has prayed for a baby sister I have patiently explained to him that anything could happen, but babies are hard to come by in the foster system and he shouldn't get his hopes up. After reading this book I realized that God can do whatever he wants to and he longs to give us the desires of our hearts. Ezra and I prayed tonight for a baby girl and I confessed my lack of faith to him. I still don't know the details or the timing, and we may lose many sleepless nights for babies we cannot keep, but I feel that God has shown me something important tonight through the faith of a child and I will no longer be a squelcher of prayers!

Dolphin Treasure

I finished reading Dolphin Treasure tonight with Ezra. We read the first book, Dolphin Adventure this year for school and we loved both books. Tim insists that the guy made it all up even though the book is "based on real life experiences". He's such a cynic. I did a little research and it turns out the guy who wrote it, Wayne Grover, is a veteran of the United States Air Force and is a well known and highly regarded conservationist. Hmmm...Pretty good resume for a liar, huh, Tim?

The East Coast

As some may know, our family returned from a visit to New Hampshire and the East Coast on Tuesday the 31st of May. We were there for six days visiting Tim's sister, Lindy in Hookset, NH which is near the city of Manchester. In that time we wandered in the White Mountains,got a taste of Boston, and drove up to York, Maine where we spent the afternoon at the beach. In spite of the fifty four degree water, Ezra spent nearly two hours playing in the waves. The rest of us never even put on our bathing suits! The bottom line is that I now understand why so many people love the East coast. This being my first visit, I was unsure of what my impressions would be. The people were great, the scenery was amazing, and I wish it weren't so darn expensive to live there because I'd be outta here in a heartbeat!

Adoption Update/Homestudy Part 2

I never wrote to say that the rest of our homestudy went really well! Our caseworker will be sending in the homestudy next week after bringing it over for us to read. They actually let you review it to make sure it doesn't misrepresent you! That means we'll probably have a placement by mid August to mid September. It's a weird feeling, knowing you will be expanding your family by one to three people in the next few months but not knowing who they are yet or what they have been through. Lately I have really been praying for them that their hearts will be prepared to receive our love and that their spirits won't be permanently crushed by the pain they will have endured. That is what scares me the most--that they won't be able to receive the love of a parent. It seems that the behavioral issues, tantrums, emotional outbursts, and embarrassing moments out in public are such a focus--maybe because there are strategies you can use to deal with those things--but my heart is telling me that the stuff we won't be able to see is going to be what counts.

I want to know them now! These un-named children, floating--living out there somewhere that will be mine someday. How helpless it feels to wait and wonder who they are, what they are like, who is rocking them to sleep tonight (if anyone?) and will they trust in our love once they are with us? I know the God of heaven and earth has brought us to this point. In a world of sin He uses His children to bandage the wounds inflicted by Satan himself, but being used by God is never easy and He doesn't usually give clues as to what the experience will be like ahead of time. Then you have to deal with your own desires on top of everything else. For some reason, a year ago I didn't care if I got a baby or not, as long as I was able to have more kids but as the time grows closer I want a baby girl so bad that I am surprised myself at the strength of my feelings. Is this God preparing me for a sick infant who needs time and attention that only a very willing soul could give or is it just me being selfish? After all, I'm willing to take a baby who will most certainly not be easy to deal with. I don't know...

In any case, the time draws near and I am starting to feel similarly to how I felt before Ezra was born. It is exiting and scary all at once but I'm so glad we are on this journey!