Adoption Update/Homestudy Part 2

I never wrote to say that the rest of our homestudy went really well! Our caseworker will be sending in the homestudy next week after bringing it over for us to read. They actually let you review it to make sure it doesn't misrepresent you! That means we'll probably have a placement by mid August to mid September. It's a weird feeling, knowing you will be expanding your family by one to three people in the next few months but not knowing who they are yet or what they have been through. Lately I have really been praying for them that their hearts will be prepared to receive our love and that their spirits won't be permanently crushed by the pain they will have endured. That is what scares me the most--that they won't be able to receive the love of a parent. It seems that the behavioral issues, tantrums, emotional outbursts, and embarrassing moments out in public are such a focus--maybe because there are strategies you can use to deal with those things--but my heart is telling me that the stuff we won't be able to see is going to be what counts.

I want to know them now! These un-named children, floating--living out there somewhere that will be mine someday. How helpless it feels to wait and wonder who they are, what they are like, who is rocking them to sleep tonight (if anyone?) and will they trust in our love once they are with us? I know the God of heaven and earth has brought us to this point. In a world of sin He uses His children to bandage the wounds inflicted by Satan himself, but being used by God is never easy and He doesn't usually give clues as to what the experience will be like ahead of time. Then you have to deal with your own desires on top of everything else. For some reason, a year ago I didn't care if I got a baby or not, as long as I was able to have more kids but as the time grows closer I want a baby girl so bad that I am surprised myself at the strength of my feelings. Is this God preparing me for a sick infant who needs time and attention that only a very willing soul could give or is it just me being selfish? After all, I'm willing to take a baby who will most certainly not be easy to deal with. I don't know...

In any case, the time draws near and I am starting to feel similarly to how I felt before Ezra was born. It is exiting and scary all at once but I'm so glad we are on this journey!